Enough with tolerating

This afternoon I chose to leave work a little early and go down to the pool for some exercise and some mind clearing. After 30 minutes and with 64 lengths done and dusted (that’s a mile exactly if you’re wondering about the random number) I headed to the showering area.

As I was washing my hair a woman with a young son and daughter pushed the buttons of the showers opposite. Whilst the mum and son quietly got on with their shampooing, the daughter felt the water on her back and said ‘burning, burning, burning …’. Strangely though, she didn’t step out from underneath the heat of the shower. She stayed in there chanting ‘burning, burning, burning …’ over and over again as her mum encouraged her to ‘get on with it, get your hair washed’ and re-pressed the water button for more.

Clearly the child wasn’t genuinely burning or anywhere near it, but it got me thinking …

How many of us tolerate ongoing discomfort on a daily basis without taking action to change things? How many people speak to friends and family about how demoralising is their job, or how disrespectful is their relationship, then get up the next day and tolerate it all over again. How many adults suffer weeks, months and years of repetitive, joy-less ‘burning, burning, burning …’ in their life expecting someone else to show up and rescue them? Far too many is the answer.

The dictionary defines tolerating as ‘allowing the existence, occurrence, or practice of something that one dislikes or disagrees with without interference’. So why do we do that? Where do we learn that that’s ok?

In my experience there are 2 main reasons: the first is that we’ve seen tolerating modelled to us from a young age (parents in an unhappy marriage for example) or society tells us there’s one right way (‘divorce would be failing’) and we haven’t thought to challenge those models; and the second is that tolerating creeps up on us so slowly and over such an extended amount of time that we’ve forgotten that the contrasting experience really exists.

Whatever the reason, if you’re reading this and you’re an adult tolerating stressful, depressing, disrespectful days on end, then it’s time to stop it. And the first step’s already occurred – you’ve noticed. Sometimes that’s all that needs to happen because then you’ll begin to spot that choices are available to you.

Choosing not to tolerate means making a choice for change.

And change doesn’t have to be sudden, severe or painful – I’m not advocating job quitting or relationship ditching (although they could be valid choices – only you’ll know). I’m saying this:

• Start to pay attention to your discomfort
• Use it to create a contrasting thought (eg. if I DON’T want to be given the routine tasks at work every day, it means I DO want to get involved with some special projects. Do you feel the empowerment of shifting a don’t to a do?)
• Write down the outcome you want to achieve (it’s good to be reminded should you have some weaker moments)
• Take action (talk to someone, research your choices, skill yourself up to get the result you want, be patient (your partner might take a while to get up to speed) and be persistent (don’t go back to how things were)
• Review every day whether your thought changes, new conversations and action taking are getting you closer to the vision

You’re a valuable, smart, worthy human being. Choose every moment to believe that. When you stand up for happiness, you’ll be surprised who’ll show up to stand with you.

See more at: http://www.healthychat.co.uk

A psychotherapist worth their salt

When you’re seeking out a psychotherapist in Dundee, Edinburgh, Glasgow or London, how will you know a good one from a mediocre one? It’s not like a hairdresser where every friend you have has been to one so you can ask for a recommendation from your mate with a hairstyle or colour you love.

As with any trained person whose expertise you want to access – a graphic designer, a doctor, a sports coach, a financial planner, a career advisor  - there are outstanding ones and there are ones who should genuinely be avoided. And the good ones are not necessarily the ones who are shouting the loudest or have the ‘trappings’ that go with success (infact often the opposite).

You’ll know the good ones because they love their work, they’re patient, they’re respectful and they’ll talk to you like they’re interested – because they authentically are – and you’ll probably hear about them from a satisfied client long before you’re hit by flash marketing stories. On the subject of psychotherapists – many can make some difference – although can they make THE difference, for YOU, right now?

When you’ve got to the point of not accepting another day with depression, anxiety, panic attacks or anorexia – use this checklist as a guide to finding the help you need.

An effective counsellor of psychotherapist:

• understands depression and how to lift it
• helps immediately with anxiety problems such as panic attacks, nightmares, post traumatic stress, phobias and trauma
• is prepared to give information and advice as needed
• will not use jargon or ‘psychobabble’ or tell you that counselling or psychotherapy has to be painful
• will not dwell unduly on the past
• will be supportive when difficult feelings emerge, but won’t encourage people to get emotional beyond the normal need to let go of bottled up feelings
• will help you to both draw and build upon your own inner resources (which may prove greater than you thought)
• may assist you to develop your social skills so that your needs for affection, friendship, pleasure, intimacy, connection to the wider community etc can be better fulfilled
• will be considerate of the effects of counselling on the people close to you
• may teach you to relax deeply
• will help you to think about your problems in new and more empowering ways
• uses a wide range of techniques as appropriate
• may ask you to do things between sessions
• will take as few sessions as possible
• will increase your self-confidence and independence and make sure you feel better after every consultation.

As you’ll know from the material on the Healthy Chat website, we only use Human Givens psychotherapists: they’re fast, effective and practical (research has shown Human Givens is 3 time more effective than the next most effective therapy known!). The list above is one that we each adhere to as a minimum set of professional standards.

If you want a psychotherapist in Aberdeen, Liverpool or Penzance – feel free to call us first. If we have a Healthy Chat practitioner nearby, we’ll put you in touch straight away. In defining life moments, borrow only the best brain, for the fastest recovery. You deserve it

See more at: http://www.healthychat.co.uk